Think Act: Proactive Black Parenting

PREPARATION FOR COLLEGE:

A Guide for Parents

THEY’RE NOT QUITE READY

 

The college preparation process has become a complicated, high pressure affair. It can be overwhelming for student and parents alike. The college application process alone is a multi-phased, multi-task effort for which, I believe, most 16 and 17 year olds are not yet developmentally ready. There is so much to do and so much at stake. In order to do the applications properly, optimally, most high schoolers need help.

Knowing how and how much to help your child is challenging for parents. If you do too little, your child is overwhelmed and miserable and may end up with poor choices. If you do too much, your child is overwhelmed and miserable and may end up with your choices, which to them is worse than their own poor ones!

 

And so I am offering the following guidelines to assist you in your efforts to get through this process with your child’s applications (and your relationship) beautifully intact.

WHO IS APPLYING ANYWAY?

Remember that this process is to get your child into the college or colleges that he wants to attend. Ideally, at the end of the process, you want your child to have choices that she is happy with. When I speak in workshops, I often hear parents say that they had to completely take over the process because:

1. Their child was not “taking care of business”; or

2. Their child did not know what he wanted; or

3. The parent and child did not agree on the child’s choices.

Again, these are often manifestations of an overwhelmed child, who feels immobilized by the tasks at hand and therefore, either checks out of the process or makes hasty decisions just to get through it.

When a parent completely takes over the process, many problems occur. Firstly, college admissions officers do not want an application from a parent. They are experts at knowing when an essay is written by a 40 year old parent versus an 18 year old student! And so you do a disservice to your child by doing that for them. Secondly, when a parent takes over the entire application process, often the child feels that their power to choose their future is usurped (once again) by their parent. And then the parent is angry because they “know” that the child wouldn’t even have choices if the applications were left to them!

So I recommend that parents view themselves as managers of the process. Wikipedia’s definition of “management” includes “planning, organizing, leading or directing, and controlling a….person toward accomplishing a goal.” This is a perfect breakdown for what parents need to do during the college application process.

PLAN

During the planning process, which can start as early as your child’s freshman year in high school, I recommend that you be in charge of gathering the materials. These would include college information, applications, scholarship information and applications, etc. Any official documents. You do not have to actually do the gathering yourself. If you want to require your child to do it, you must micro-manage this part because it is too important. When I say micro-manage, I mean you have to tell them what to do and when to do it (e.g. “Please find all of the websites for the list of schools we discussed and put them in the Favorites file on the computer. I need this done by Saturday”).

I also recommend that you handle the money. I am referring to all of the financial aid and scholarship information. Since the process of attaining financial assistance so heavily involves your financial information –such as income and tax information—you might as well be in charge of it. If you are pursuing financial aid, you cannot afford to let the details of this fall through the cracks. Those deadlines come early.

ORGANIZE

Set up a timetable with your child so that you both understand the time requirements and constraints you have. I recommend sitting down with your child with a big desk calendar and writing in all of those application due dates. This is the best way to get on the same page about what needs to be done. Make sure that the calendar continues to be a part of your activities. Update and refer to it often to stay on track.

Create a separate space for your application materials. You can use a separate table or desk, a dedicated shelf, or anywhere that you can leave materials (like applications you are working on) and they will remain undisturbed until you get back to them. Inform your child that any college material that comes home from the school counselor or in the mail regarding colleges or scholarships should always go in the dedicated area immediately. This way you know where everything is.

Develop a method of reminders. At the beginning of your planning, discuss with your child how you are going to remind him or her about his or her tasks. If you both agree on a method, then you can’t be accused of nagging. For example, you can say “I am going to send you a reminder email every Friday that lists what you need to get done the next week. And I want you to email a reply as soon as the tasks are done.” If you don’t want your student to wait until the last minute to act, don’t wait until the last minute to remind them.

LEAD AND DIRECT

Set Forth a Clear Priority and enforce it. This is the hard part of parenting. If your primary goal is to be your child’s best friend, you are going to have difficulty with this part. Children need direction (even at 16, 17, 18 years old). You are doing them an enormous favor by helping them get these applications completed in an organized manner. For this short period in their young lives, this must be a priority. So if they have a application deadline next week and their school schedule is so demanding that they only have time on the weekend to work on it, you, as the parent, have to say “no parties, no movies, no hanging out until the application is done.” You must be the parent now. You’ll be their new best friend when they get accepted! Maybe!

CONTROL

Control the process. With your calendar and your method of reminders in place, your goal is to stay on top of paperwork, stick with your plan and control what’s happening. You do not want to feel like you are chasing deadlines and barely keeping up. Remind your child that discipline is freedom. The earlier she completes the applications, the sooner she will be free to enjoy her senior year.

Acknowledge the stress. There is no avoiding the stress of this time period. Your child is stressed and you are stressed. No matter how organized you are, your student has to go to school and deal with the pressure of peers and teachers, who are all involved in this college process. The kids are all talking about their applications and their crazy parents and whether or not they will get into a college at all. Teachers are telling them how important their grades are for college. And SAT’s are looming. Add this to the regular stressors of just being a teenager and you’ve got one stressed-out child.

When they come home, they do not need their parent’s stress added to the equation. So I encourage you to keep your stress to yourself. I recommend this as a general rule, but especially during this college application time. Saying “if you don’t get it together, you are not going to get admitted anywhere!” is not an effective motivator! Likely, your child is already feeling that fear of failure and it is the likely cause of his inaction. He needs your vote of confidence, not your criticism right now.

RELAX

I know it is not helpful to tell parents to relax when they have reason to be worried. Instead, I’d like to share some truths with you. I’d like you to say them to yourself as many times as you need to. Repeat after me:

There are many colleges that are perfect for my child.
My child will get into college.

There are many colleges that are perfect for my child.
My child will get into college.

There are many colleges that are perfect for my child.
My child will get into college.

[Exerpt from Panel presentation at Linda Lorelle College Prep. Conference, Houston, Texas, January, 2008]

Ms. Palinski at the University of Pittsburgh is looking at why it is that, according to her research, only 55% of Black mothers are breastfeeding, compared to 72% of White mothers and 73% of Hispanic mothers. She has solicited responses to the question , "why are less Black women choosing to breastfeed?"

Below is my response. You can find a broader disussion of the issue at www.BlackParentMovement.com.

I am a black mother of five children. I breastfed all of my children for 10 to 12 months each. I am not one of these earthy, living in the country sisters. I am an attorney and a writer and a city girl, who likes to do the easy thing.Breastfeeding for me was the easy thing. Having nursed for nearly a cumulative 5 years, I have encountered many other Black women who were not shy about their opinions of my choice.

The reason breastfeeding was an easy choice for me is because I have a very supportive mother, who, though she did not breastfeed herself, never expressed any negativity. My mother-in-law is a pediatrician who nursed all seven of her children. So my husband was supportive and pleased with the choice. And my mother-in-law was helpful and encouraging. I also had friends who nursed alongside of me.

I think many woman do not have a family support or history that encourages breastfeeding. Many are raised to be uncomfortable with this natural use of the breast. And many do not understand the profound health benefits of breastfeeding. We down play the superiority of breastfeeding because breastfeeding for many women is difficult (nearly impossible) because of work demands.

I hesitate to say impossible because I believe that most people can work it out with pumping, planning and support if they are committed to it. I did all of that. Some of what is required is not pleasant–like pumping. But neither is getting up in the middle of the night and warming up a bottle of formula!

I also decided that I was going to make the optimal choice for my children, and no matter how you cut it, breastfeeding is the optimal nutritional choice. Period. I am a 120 pound woman, but I nursed large (between 8 and 8lb 14oz) babies. This is largely why I am still 120 lbs. But I had plenty of milk for them. I am perplexed by people who say they do not have enough milk! Our bodies are designed for this. They know what to do and so does the baby.

Breastfeeding is so worth it!! I started to list the benefits of breastfeeding here, but the list goes on and on, especially if you include the research about better school performance and all of that. If you want to see a full listing go to http://medicalreporter.health.org/tmr0297/breastfeed0297.html

I just want to list the many benefits to the mother, other than a healthier baby, which of course is by far the most important.

For Mom, breastfeeding helps you get your old body back. The hormones released help your uterus get back down to size. You burn fat without trying!

If you breastfeed without supplementing with formula, you delay ovulation and menstruation so you can't get pregnant for a longer period.

The longer you nurse, the more you lower your risk of breast, ovarian and uterine cancers.

Successful breastfeeding has a stress reducing and positive psychological effect...

I actually could go on and on here. But the point is that if you can, there is no good reason NOT to breastfeed your baby.

You may have friends and colleagues that love to tell you the horror stories. But how many of them describe to you the irreplacable feeling when you're nursing baby's eyes lock on yours right before they close in blissful satiation. And you know that YOUR milk is sending him into this peaceful dream state. Or that satisfying feeling you have when, at your 3 month well-baby check at the pediatrician, the doctor looks at your baby's weight and says in surprise "what are you feeding this baby? Steak?" And you know that it is YOUR milk that is making him so big and strong and keeping him optimally well.

Breastfeeding is so worth it!

So do your research, pregnant moms!! Be prepared. Don't succomb to antiquated ways of mothering and misinformation about breastfeeding and YOUR breasts. Prepare your skeptical spouse and families, and then do the right thing. Just do it!!

If you are concerned about breastfeeding when you return to work, consult the La Leche League, they have tons of info. to help you. The path to successful nursing at work has been cut before you in many places. See what options you have at work.

If you are concerned about nursing in public, I assure you there are ways to nurse in public discreetly. Even if you are not self-conscious, the folks you are with may be. I was not self-conscious but I was never an in-your-face "I'm nursing, you deal with it" kind of mother. I was always able to find a discreet place to excuse myself to. I got pretty familiar with the stores with the best bathroom lounges and the book stores with the most comfortable reading chairs.

If you decide to nurse for one month--great!! If you decide to try for 3 months--awesome!! 6 months, one year...There are benefits to whatever time you decide upon.

       There is an ongoing debate about the effectiveness of White teachers with Black children, particularly in urban schools. Many feel that White teachers are not effective educators for Black children. The arguments against their ability to teach Black children go something like this:

       Many White teachers come to education with a set of prejudices, stereotypes and biases about Black people that are widely accepted and wholly unquestioned. These stereotypes -- often concerning the children’s ability to learn, their willingness to learn, and their propensity for violence--are so much in the fabric of the White belief system that White teachers often are not even consciously aware of their own biases. And often even when they are aware, they accept them as true. In either case, these biases and prejudices are almost always detrimental to the White teacher’s ability to help their Black students achieve.

      In addition, most White teachers are not informed enough about the cultural chasm that lies between their Black students and themselves. There are many cultural differences in language use, non-verbal communication, family structure and socialization, to name just a few. These differences very often make communication and trust building complex and difficult. If a teacher is not understood by her students, or not understanding her students and at the same time, unaware that the misunderstanding stems from her own beliefs or cultural unawareness, she is likely to attribute this failure-to-connect to causes outside of herself, thereby failing to properly and adequately address the problem. Thus, often blame for the failure is placed on the children, instead of the teacher herself. Here, again, the children suffer.

      To get a handle on the relevance of this question, you only need to review school demographics for this country:

White females comprise 83% of U.S. elementary school teachers

There is no staff of color in 44% of U.S. schools

African-American teachers comprise 6% of the U.S. teacher population.

(from Black Students, Middle Class Teachers, Jawanza Kunjufu)

The reality is that most teachers in most schools are white females, thus most Black children are going to have white teachers most of the time.

       I sincerely believe that the vast majority of teachers are devoted career professionals who want to do what is best for all of their students. But at a time when so much is being made about the “achievement gap” between Black students and their White counterparts, and as we all seek to find the causes thereof, mustn’t we ask the crucial question: Do the values, perceptions and expectations that many White teachers bring to their classrooms actually negatively affect the very students they seek to serve?

Because Of The Kids

      The very compelling book, Because of the Kids, by Jennifer E. Obidah and Karen Manheim-Teel, really takes this subject head-on. The book chronicles the admirable efforts of Karen Manhiem-Teel and Jennifer E. Obidah to tackle the racial divide between Karen, who is a veteran White teacher, and her classroom of Black students.

      What is most interesting for me about the “experiment” of these two teacher-researchers is Karen’s gradual recognition of the profound impact that her background (and the societal view that comes with it)has on her teaching. She comes to see that her 1950s middle-class all-white upbringing and her unquestioned and unchallenged assumptions about Black people strongly influence her perception of her students and their performance. Similarly, she realizes how her student’s urban, low-income Black experience and their notions about who she is, color (no pun intended here) their reactions and responses to Karen. Karen discovers that the conflict between her middle-class perceptions and expectations, and the perceptions and expectations of her mostly poor students, are at the core of her inability to optimally serve them.

      Jennifer, a Black teacher who is a Caribbean-born resident of Bronx, New York, takes on the task of showing Karen the realities of the social-racial-economic disconnect between Karen and her students, and helping her to overcome the many resulting obstacles. Their work gets more difficult as they discover that their own social-racial-economic differences begin to profoundly complicate the communications between them., to the point that they come very close to terminating the effort altogether.

      How they work out their relationship and Karen’s classroom issues is not just an impressive journey, it is an inspirational one. And their ability to improve Karen’s effectiveness as a teacher is truly important instructional reading for educators. But the real contribution of this book is the way it illustrates the simple, too-often-denied truth that when a White teacher endeavors to teach a Black child, he or she must consider that the child’s success is profoundly affected by the teacher's own social, racial and economic make-up. And in order not to be a detriment to the child, the teacher must look within and be in touch with his or her own biases. This, as Karen found, can be hard and complicated, but crucial.

      A turning point for Karen in this regard is when she is faced with resistance and negative reactions to a history lesson. The lesson involved role play in which she assigned the roles of “barbarian” and “slave” to her Black students.. She couldn’t understand why the students were not cooperative. Jennifer, however, immediately perceived that the students were offended by the labels. Karen realizes that she failed to connect the students with their personal histories as descendents of slaves. And when her students did not respond positively as she expected, she  immdiately “shifted the blame" to the students, instead of considering her own cultural blindness. She attributed their reaction to immaturity and “saw their behavior only as “acting up”. (p.50)

       It is significant to note that Karen would not have realized the role that her racial bias played in her classroom had Jennifer not participated. As a member of the White majority, Karen’s biases and social prejudices had never been questioned by her. When she invited Jennifer to assist her in trying improve the success of her all-Black class, she did not believe that her own beliefs were at all relevant to her students’ performance.

        Another striking point in this study is Karen’s willingness to submit to intense scrutiny. She was already a highly regarded teacher, who had achieved some degree of success with her predominantly Black students. With a commitment to pursue success with her work, she went far beyond the requirements of her job. Her collaboration with Jennifer put her on the hot-seat--her motivations, actions and conclusions were minutely observed, documented and critiqued by Jennifer. Not only did she choose to subject herself to this, she chose to change. Both Karen and Jennifer had to step out of their professional and personal comfort zones…and things got very uncomfortable! How many similarly situated teachers would be willing to take these extra steps.. for these particular students? How many would even acknowledge the need to question themselves?

What About Private Schools and the Suburbs?

      These questions bring me to how this study would apply the independent and prodominately White schools. Even though this study took place in a predominantly Black urban public school, I believe there is a very high likelihood that the findings here would be the same for Black student/White teacher relationships in the independent schools. In the private schools where Black students are greatly in the minority, there is even less incentive for teachers to recognize how their own behavior might negatively impact a student of color. For the Black student here, the teacher’s social, economic, racial biases are likely to be reflected in the entire school community. Thus the teacher’s prejudices are more consistently reinforced by the school community and the student has few Black peers and very little Black community from whom to draw support. Even though there is a larger percentage of middle class students of color in the private schools, few are as affluent as the greater school community and so the disconnect has the potential to be even more profound.

What Must Teachers Do?

      In light of the possibility of this kind of inadvertent bias, how can a White teacher avoid racial bias in action? Firstly, we all must acknowledge the reality of the problem. (Please read Because of the Kids) Then the teacher has to ask the hard questions:

1. Are my expectations different for a Black child than for children of my own race?

2. Do I attribute to Black children traits and behaviors based solely on the fact that they are Black?

3. Am I able to get past the non-verbal cues that are different and foreign to me to really get to know and understand this Black child?

4. Am I afraid of this child simply because of his race?

5. When a black faculty member or parent brings an issue to my attention, do I dismiss him/her as being too sensitive?

And if the answer is "yes" to any of these questions, the teacher must work very hard to avoid letting these prejudices translate into actions that result in disparate treatment among his or her students. Asking the question, "would I feel/act this way if this were a White student?" might be helpful. This is hard work. Self-scrutiny is tough, but necessary.

What Must Parents Do?

      So what is a parent to do? How can we Black parents help bridge the gap between our children and their White teachers? As parents, we have to do our part (and sometimes other folk’s). We cannot leave this issue to the school administrators. If we do, it will not be addressed. We can protect our children by keeping our eyes and ears open…and our mouths. We must:

1. Actively support your school’s and school district’s efforts to recruit teachers of color.

2. Network within your school with families and faculty in general, and with families and faculty of color. Everyone benefits from the on-going flow of information and support:

      -Support teachers who speak out on policy issues relevant to us.

      -Share information about teachers, classes, services, etc. with other families. The more families you connect with, the greater you expand your realm of influence and your own knowledge about the school (and the teachers within it).

WITH REGARD TO YOUR CHILD SPECIFICALLY:

1. Remind your child that he is the most wonderful, capable and valuable treasure on the planet. That she can do anything she decides to do, and that you are there to help her do it.

2. Teach your child to respectfully question authority; that adults make mistakes and can be wrong. Give him or her the power to reject the unjust and champion the right always.

3. The way to fight biases on both sides is to know and be known. Connect with every teacher that teaches your child. Let the teacher know your expectations for your child. Indirectly, this also relays your expectations of the teacher.

4. Thoroughly investigate reports of misbehavior. Without ever letting your child off the hook for inappropriate behavior, make sure that the report is accurate; that your child’s part is clearly articulated; and listen carefully to your child’s side of the story. Remember that just because adults can craft more articulate explanations of problems doesn’t mean their's is more accurate than your child‘s, who is likely not as sophisticated in expression.

      You cannot prevent your child from facing bias, prejudice and racism. But you can diminish its negative impact with a little attention and proactive parenting!

      Can White teachers teach Black children? This is a moot question, really. White teachers must teach Black children. We have no other options in this country. Can White teachers better serve their Black students? Yes, by recognizing and making a commitment to address their own biases and prejudices. Are White teachers part of the "acheivement gap" problem? I haven't seen any research that can answer this question unequivocally, but based on the work of Jennifer E. Obidah and Karen Manheim-Teel, this is a query well worth pursuing. 

     If you have a child who has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder ADHD)...If you are considering beginning to medicate or are ALREADY medicating...If you have a child who moves a little too much, speaks a little too loud, generally makes his or her teacher work a little too hard and you are wondering (or the teacher is suggesting) that your child be tested, PLEASE READ THIS ARTICLE!!

http://www.sierratimes.com/06/03/17/70_224_245_243_88045.htm 

    Leading professionals in the medical field who deal with ADHD, are heading to Washington to do battle with the Pharmeceutical companies and the FDA. These companies are making huge profits on the over-prescribing of ADHD medication for children. We all know the scary numbers of children who are taking Ritalyn, Adderall and the other ADHD medications. These medications seem like miracle drugs for many, causing even more parents to feel comfortable in choosing this option of treatment. But there is an ugly side to these medications.

Before you medicate your child--- do your homework!! Don't just accept your teacher's, school counselor's or your physician's conclusions. Be informed before you take this leap. Be proactive about knowing the ill effects, both short and long term, before you decide to give these drugs to your child. Know your alternatives. The alternatives may be more work for you, but the effort will be worth it. (I know you are tired of hearing me say that. But aren't the best things in life always more work?!?!?

If you are already medicating, its never too late to stop. Look into your other options. Discuss with your doctor the best way to discontnue drug use and try other well-proven alternatives.

Before you do anything...READ THIS ARTICLE:

http://www.sierratimes.com/06/03/17/70_224_245_243_88045.htm 

Rick Badie’s article, “What is so ‘unblack’ about being intelligent?" sure struck a chord with readers who are dismayed about the peer pressure among black youth to avoid the pursuit of academic excellence in order to “keep it real” or “stay black”. The article and all of the comments that it generated are worthy reading. http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/sharedblogs/ajc/badie/entries/2005/12/01/what_is_so_unbl.html?imw=Y

 

This subject is near and dear to my heart. I remember when I first stepped foot on the Stanford University campus as a freshman. I was shocked to discover this kind of are-you-black-enough judgment coming from many upperclassmen of the school's small black community. Evidently, my class was one of the first entering classes whose black population was comprised of mostly middle-class kids. And as we showed up with all of the trappings of affluence, we were immediately challenged about our “blackness”. Needless to say, the more we participated in “white” activities, the more we were considered trying to be white.

 

Certainly everyone in the black community had embraced a level of academic priority in order to be at Stanford in the first place. But there was a palpable disdain for the zealous academic. And acting “white”- through speech, extra-curricular endeavors (like pledging a traditionally white fraternity or sorority)—was definitely not cool. We would often hear someone say about another black student, “she don’t know she’s black”. And there was plenty of “helpful” advise to go around-- “don’t forget where you came from, brotha!”; “you might think you’re white, but whitey doesn’t think so.”, etc.

 

It is a troubling phenomenon, and disturbing to think that you can get all the way to college and still face that kind of judgment from your fellow black peers. But there it was. The aspect of this whole black judgment thing that disturbs me most is the resulting devisiveness. We are quick to applaud a black person who achieves excellence at something. We want to identify with him or her, and want them to serve as a representative of the race. But we criticize and try to reroute them all along the way. The achiever has to prove all along the way that he has not forgotten who he is.

 

If we want to pursue excellence and  be “cool” in the community, we become closet achievers. Secretly studying and participating in almost all-white academic arenas, while being careful to dress right and attend all of the black social events to prove we are “down”. Those who are most successful at living this dichotomy are successful because they are the social chameleons we are so familiar with. But the chameleon life is no easy one -- straddling two worlds at once while trying to be a contributing part of both. Often black children who have not mastered the chameleon persona (or don’t care to) find themselves between a rock and a hard place, not fitting in anywhere. And this is no small issue. Children do best in environments where they feel that they belong and where they are supported. Children who must choose their race (and this is what they are required to do in this situation), are led to understand that choosing to achieve in the school setting is choosing to act “white”. And choosing to act or be “black” might be cool but not academically successful.

 

I watch my kids master their chameleon personas everyday. We live in a predominately white neighborhood and my kids attend a predominately white school. There are a handful of Black kids at their school, all struggling with this identity issue. My kids, after being in the mostly white school environment all day, participate in a music community that mostly asian. Then they go to practice with their predominately black AAU basketball teams.

The analogy of the chameleon is perfect because our children feel they have to transform themselves—the way they look and act—to conform to expectations. What makes the situation of the black child in the white environment so tricky is that they are forced to deal with stereotypic perceptions and expectations from everyone-- their white teachers, white and black peers, included. The onslaught of negative feedback they can get from the white community can be dizzying. And not because it is as overt and in-your-face as that from the black community. White racial treatment is insidious because it is most often subtle but constant. The notion that black students are inferior learners, more threatening, and the quinessential "lesser/other” permeates the messages the white community imposes on our children. Our children are encouraged to relinquish more outward signs of “blackness” like forms of dress, music, and black friends. They are more socially accepted (and academically supported) in the white world if they act in ways that make the white community more comfortable.

 

My point here is that this tendency to racialize behavior did not originate with black youth. Mainstream society has a very clear notion of what defines blackness and their notion is overwhelmingly negative. I won’t even go into the consistently negative messages we get from the television about what it means to be black. (You’ve watched the news. You saw the coverage of Hurricane Katrina. Enough said.) Unfortunately, in the school environment, many of the teachers, administrators, and peers operate on accepted characterizations of “black” behavior, which color their perception of that student. Thus, a black student who is quiet and not deferential to a teacher is perceived to have an “attitude”. A black student who performs poorly on an exam is not just an unprepared student, but an unintellegent one. Or a black student who performs confidently in class is not well-prepared or intelligent, but arrogant or a cheater. In this environment, the black student has to navigate a mine field. If a black boy, for example, “acts up” at recess, he is not just being a rambunctious boy like his white counterpart. He is unleashing his natural black tendencies toward aggression. Acceptable behavior by the white standard, then, is more difficult to achieve for the black child. And with everybody telling him what it means to be “black”, it’s no wonder that so many kids embrace these self-defeating notions of ‘blackness”. This route for the black child is easier. It allows him to separate himself from what is thought to be white and to “keep it real”. It frees him from the expectation to work hard and achieve. And this way everybody is happy. Everybody’s notions of the world are kept in tact.

 

This makes the phenomenon of black peer judgment particularly painful, because it perpetuates the white racist notions that our forefathers fought hard to overcome. And as I think back to my college years, I can only assume that the beliefs that drove the black upperclassmen to reject the black freshmen for “acting white” have been passed down to their children, so that a new generation can impose the same limitations on their peers and themselves.

Whatever the source of this racist imposition, it needs to be halted. And the best people for the job are parents. All parents, especially black parents. The responsibility for preparing our children for excellence and making sure that they know they can do ANYTHING and anything WELL, falls on us. We cannot control how teachers think. We cannot change the beliefs of other families. But we can tell our children everyday (over and over again) who they are; that they come from a community with a long history of achievement, academic and otherwise; and they have the ability to do and be whatever they want to do and be. We can help them define themselves as whole and balanced… as valuable people, thereby combating all of the negative and confusing messages they are getting elsewhere. Its up to us. If we do not do it, no one else will…and I mean no one!!

---

Other Worthy News :

 

The Achievement Gap:

Eliminating The Achievement Gap, Inc.- http://www.gazette.net/stories/112305/frednew184652_31907.shtml

 

NY "City Schools Cut Racial Gap In Test Scores" http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/02/education/02scores.html

 

The SAT and College Prep:

“Don't sweat the SAT: Our experts say too much test prep can sometimes backfire” http://www.fortwayne.com/mld/newssentinel/living/13250607.htm

 

"At Long Last Advanced Placement is subject in Itself." http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2005/11/23/AR2005112300806.html?nav=rss_education

Parental Involvement:

“Importance of Parental involvement downplayed.” http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/21/AR2005112101287.html?nav=rss_education

 

 

The Question: “...It's just too tempting to pacify the children by popping on a cartoon, especially when you're exhausted and overwhelmed like me and my wife usually are.What are your practical suggestions for developing alternatives to popping on the TV when we want to relax?” (Thank you for your comment and question Malik)

This is a million dollar question. Every caring parent with a television grapples with this question because TV is the most efficient babysitter. It is cheap, easy, and always available.  Parents can so conveniently deposit a child of just about any age in front of a TV and the TV will keep that child in one place ---quiet and content-- for potentially hours. TV most effectively lulls the young viewer and draws them into a state of half-consciousness that is so helpful to a tired parent who just needs a moment or two (an hour or two) of peace and quiet!

 What healthy, wholesome activity can compete with that? Honestly, there is no alternative that is so easy, so effortless and so convenient. TV weaning is like so many other family habits we seek to break (like poor eating habits or inactivity). It requires real commitment and life change. There are no easy answers.

 I suggest a two-prong approach, which would involve an act of omission (i.e. Not watching TV. Unplugging all of the TVs in the house for a week or two) and an act of commission (i.e.starting to read!)

 Why do you need to go TV-cold-turkey? Because when you get rid of TV viewing, you jolt yourselves out of the automatic-TV-Turn-On routine and you are then forced to deal with the empty time that the TV normally fills and the difficult situations that the TV so easily addresses. After a while, without the TV, everyone adjusts, everyone survives and you realize that you don’t need the TV after all.

 If you announce that you are going to turn off the TV as a big family experiment or a challenge, then you can engage the family in trying to find meaningful substitutes. Like reading.

 But Reading is work!! Yes, reading is such labor for a child who is used to the passivity of the television. This is why children who watch TV excessively experience delayed reading. But if you initiate a family reading program, whereby you read to your children (of any age), they get the benefit of being relatively passive while they are exposed to the exciting world of the written word. I guarantee you, if your kids liked the Harry Potter movies, they will LOVE the books. And they will love the interaction with you. Without fail, children who are read to, become readers. It’s never too late to start reading to your children.

 Start frequenting the library or the bookstore (instead of the video store) to borrow or buy books to share. Make finding new books to share an exciting adventure. Also, let them see you reading for pleasure (even if it is just the newspaper).

 In anticipation of times when you are too tired, rent or buy an audio book. Its not as good as listening to a parent, but it is still fun and engaging and much better than TV. Its even more rewarding if the book is unabridged (I only listen to unabridged books on tape. There’s a big difference in the quality of the story line). And listening is best of all if the child has the actual book to accompany the listening.

Eventually, as reading is more embraced by the children, on the nights that you are tired, you can have them read to you. Or at times when you need some alone time, send them off with a book …or a book and the tape.

 A love for reading and books is cultivated. If you do not read for pleasure and your children have not discovered the joys of reading, this may take some time. But it is worth it. Children who read for pleasure do better in school; score higher on the SAT; have a better vocabulary…I could go on and on about the proven benefits of reading!  So by turning off the TV and reading as a family, you not only avoid the detrimental effects of television, but you give your children the lifelong gift of literacy and achievement.

 A note to other tired and overwhelmed parents: How well I know the feeling of coming home from work and feeling barely able to get dinner done and the household locked down for the night!!  There have been times that I’ve felt I only had enough energy to get out of my work clothes and into bed!  BUT when you commit to cultivating reading, the family time will be like a balm to your soul. It will remind you of what’s important and allow you to end the evening with joy. There have been times when I have fallen asleep after only five minutes of reading. And I am awakened by the giggles of the kids who are amused by how my voice trailed off into a soft snore or how I began to babble words that were not on the page. Fatigue notwithstanding, the reading is one of my favorite parts of the day, even when it’s only a precious few minutes.

 Cultivating a love of reading is not a quick fix to the TV dilemma. But because it is a life-enhancing change, it can be the most rewarding and the most enduring solution for everyone.

I very recently came across Marian Wright Edelman's book, The Measure of Our Success, while reorganizing my bookshelves at home. I had forgotten this treasure that I had read some years ago. When I found it, I sat down and re-read it on the spot. It is a short book, just shy of 100 pages. It so inspired me (again), that I thought I'd discuss it here. I encourage you to read it yourself, though, the messages are timeless and even more relevant now.

 

Marian Wright Edelman has spent her life advocating for children. The mother of three, Wright-Edelman is an inspiration as a woman who has achieved it all. Though she does not view herself as a Superwoman and strongly disagrees with Superwomanhood as a goal, ("Superwoman simply died of exhaustion."), Edelman has an impressive list of accomplishments. She, a graduate of Spelman College and Yale Law School, was the first Black woman admitted to the Mississippi Bar. She founded the Children's Defense Fund, which under her leadership has become  "the most powerful national force for children in this country", providing a voice for American children, who are the most victimized and least represented group in America. 

The Measure of Our Success is a love letter from a mother to her sons. It is the most powerful kind of love letter because in it Wright Edelman strives to pass on the many lessons, hard earned by her and generations of kinfolk before her.  She sets forth the perfect affirming words of unconditional love and empowerment, like when she reminds parents that we must tell our children how valuable they are and why. She tells her sons: "Affirm who you are inside regardless of the world's judgments: God's and my very precious children who are loved unconditionally, not for what you do, look like, or own, but simply because you are a gift of a loving God... It is important for us overly-perfectionist parents to make clear that you are far more than your SATs, good grades, and trophies. However desireable these achievements are and however proud we are of them, they have no bearing on your intrinsic value or on our love for and acceptance of you as a person."

Then Wright-Edelman offers her children (and ours) "25 Lessons For Life" that are profoundly insightful and right on the money for our Black children (and ALL people, for that matter). Under each lesson heading, she provides the most wonderful kernels of truth, each one a gem.  Below are her lessons and just a few of her gems:

                               

LESSON 1: "There is no free lunch. Don't feel entitled to anything you don't sweat and struggle for." Wright Edelman sends a call to parents. Its not enough to say this to your children, you have to live it. Your children will not learn to not be lazy, do their homework, pay attention to detail, or to be reliable, unless you model that behavior yourself.

LESSON 2: "Set Goals and work quietly and systematically toward them." Here is the gem, she says: "You can achieve much in life if you don't mind doing the work and giving others the credit. You know what you do and the Lord knows what you do and that's all that matters."

LESSON 3: "Assign Yourself." Don't wait for somebody to tell you what needs to be done. Figure it out yourself and do it. Her gem: "Hard work, iniative, and persistence are still the nonmagic carpets to success."

LESSON 4: "Never work just for money or for power. They won't save your soul or build a decent family, or help you sleep at night."

LESSON 5: "Don't be afraid of taking risks or of being criticized." The gem: "An anonymous sage said, 'If you don't want to be criticized don't say anything, do anything, or be anything."

LESSON 6: "Take parenting and family life seriously and insist that those you work for and represent you do." Her gem: "Our leaders mouth family values they do not practice. As a result, our children lag behind the children of other nations on key child indicators like infant mortality, poverty, and family supports."

LESSON 7: "Remember that your wife is not your mother or your maid, but your partner and friend." Her gem: This is where she says, "Superwoman simply died of exhaustion." Teach your kids that relationships and marriage are a partnership in need of good communication.

LESSON 8: "Forming families is serious business." Children are expensive--emotionally, personally and FINANCIALLY!! You don't need to enter into parenthood early or carelessly. Be responsible.

LESSON 9: "Be Honest." The gem: "Be moral examples for your children. If you cut corners, your children will too. If you lie, they will too. If you spend all of your money on yourselves...if  [you] snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out."

LESSON 10: "Remember and help America remember that the fellowship of human beings is more important that the fellowship of race and class and gender in a democratic society." On the heals of the Hurricane Katrina fiasco, we are reminded that a person's race is still an indicator for how he or she is perceived and treated in this country. The beginning of change needs to take place individually, internally first. Be a part of that change.

LESSON 11: "Sell the shadow for the substance." The gem: "There's nothing wrong with a BMW or nice clothes. But BMW is not an advanced degree and a designer coat or jacket is not a life goal or worth a life....Don't confuse style with meaning."

LESSON 12: "Never give up". Her gem: "an old proverb reminds: 'When you get to your wit's end, remember that God lives there.'"

LESSON13: "Be confident that you can make a difference." Clearly, public service is something that Wright Edelman has instilled in her children. Her gem:" Try to take each day and each task as they come, breaking them down into manageable pieces for action while struggling to see the whole." Great advice for any endeavor.

LESSON 14: "Don't ever stop learning and improving your mind." She admonishes us to stretch ourselves and remember that all is possible with faith and hard work.

LESSON 15: "Don't be afraid of hard work or of teaching your children to work." Her gem: "Work is dignity and caring and the foundation for a life with meaning." In our culture, where the focus of so many of our youth is "getting" rather than "earning", we parents must somehow get back to fundamental notions of work ethic.

LESSON 16: "Slow down and live." Her gem: Quoting St. Francis de Sales analogy about the effectiveness of gently flowing rivers and gently falling rain versus the destructiveness of torrents and great floods, Wright Edelman reminds us that  "a job done too ...hurriedly is never well done."

LESSON 17: "Choose your friends carefully." Her gem:" You are the person you must compete with and be accountable for." Be yourself.

LESSON 18: "Be a can-do, will-try person." Her gem: Anything can happen if you"dream it, have faith in it, and struggle for it-- as long as it takes."" I love this quote, especially the "as long as it takes" part. That is sometimes the caveat that stops the happening in its tracks. Staying power and perserverance are learned behavior that must be taught, again, mostly by example.

LESSON 19: "Try to live in the present." Her gem: a Storm Jameson quote: "...The only way to live is by accepting each minute as an unrepeatable minute. Which is exactly what it is--a miracle and unrepeatable."

LESSON 20: "Use your political and economic power for the community and others less fortunate."  There are many gems here, but the fundamental one is : "VOTE..."

LESSON 21: "Listen for the sound of the genuine within yourself and others." Her gem: "There are so many noises and pulls and competing demands in our lives that many of us never find out who we are. Learn to be quiet enough to hear the sound of the genuine within yourself so that you can hear it in other people."

LESSON 22:"You are in charge of your own attitude." Her gem: "Don't make excuses." She points out that we all have our struggles, whether we are poor or rich. "It is where you are headed not where you are from that will determine where you end up."

LESSON 23: "Remember you roots, your history, and the forebears' shoulders on which you stand." Her gem: She so strongly says don't deprive your children of "the pride of heritage and sense of history of their own people and all of the people who make up the mosaic of this great nation."

LESSON 24: "Be reliable. Be faithful. Finish what you start." Ouch! Finish what you start! That hits home for me!

LESSON 25: "Always remember that you are never alone." Isn't this what every child should hear from his or her parents, often, "you are never alone" and "there is nothing you can ever say or do that can take away my or God's love."? This last quote reminds me of a fundamental truth. We parents must be for our children the embodiment of God's unconditional love. This is how they learn of it, through us and our actions toward them. If this is true (that we as parents represent God's love for our children), then parenting is our highest calling.

Marian Wright Edelman clearly understood this concept of unconditional love and parental responsibility, not only for her three sons, but for all of the children of this country. We are so fortunate to have her to learn from.

There is so much more to this tiny book. I strongly recommend that you find it and read it if you can.

 

Now, at the onset of the school year and as our minds turn to thoughts of achievement and academic excellence, I feel it my duty to broach the unpopular, but important subject of our children's television viewing habits.

Those who know me are sick of my (what some view as extreme) opinion about television viewing by children. I am a long time Turn-Off-The-TV advocate, based on my distrust and discomfort with the omni-presence of the television in general, and the omni-power of the TV to manipulate and influence young minds, in particular.

I am keenly aware of the unpopularity of my stance with regard to turning the TV off and my all out ban on video games. No one really wants to talk about this, and even parents who know (or have an inkling) of the detrimental impact of TV often feel powerless to control its use in their households. The other media mediums (i.e. magazines, radio, the Internet) really don't want to discuss TV either. I once wrote (what I felt was) an excellent article about responsible TV viewing. The article was based on my family's experience with Turn-Off-The-TV Week. The Turn-Off-The-TV Campaign is a national effort that encourages families to turn off the TV for one week and, as their slogan goes, "turn on life!" My family takes part in this effort every year in April.

My article talked about why less TV is better and suggested ways to wean kids off of viewing. I submitted the article to several of the parenting magazines, something I have done successfully before with articles on other topics, but not one of them was interested. "We've covered this topic already" was the most common response. And yet when I researched back issues of four publications (I don't take rejection well), I could only find one topic about the detrimental effects of TV in the three preceding years. It seems to me that TV overuse is worth the kind of repetition that so many other subjects seem to warrant, subjects these magazines cover over and over again like diet, discipline and the new fall school fashions.

Anyway, the point is no one wants to talk about cutting back on TV, but it is a topic of growing importance for families. Research continues to mount and the vast majority of the research findings point to this reality- - too much television is hazardous to your child's health and development. And what constitutes "too much" may surprise you. Researchers have known for years that television viewing creates passive, non-vigilant students. Too much TV can suppress mental activity, delay reading and the development of critical thinking skills. As Jane M. Healy points out in her book, Endangered Minds, even the shows that you think are teaching your children something (e.g. the beloved Sesame Street) are really developing poor listening skills, shorter attention spans, and the inability to stay on task. This is especially true in young children. In addition, the extended exposure to the messages of television discourages self-awareness and diminishes self-discernment, leaving viewers of all ages vulnerable to TV's constant stream of advertising. According to Jerry Mander's classic Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television, the TV is a selling tool and we, as viewers, are bombarded with hours of consumer manipulation that tell us to buy, buy, buy.

 

I received this by email. It may be internet urban legend with regard to the source, but whether it is from Bill Gates or not, it contains truths that folks, Black parents in particular, used to embrace but somehow no longer think their children need to know.  

FOR THEIR SAKES AND THEIR GENERATION'S, INTRODUCE YOUR CHILDREN TO THE RULES ON THIS LIST. DON'T TELL THEM ONCE, OR TWICE, BUT AT LEAST AS MANY TIMES AS YOU TELL THEM TO CLEAN UP THEIR ROOMS OR BRUSH THEIR TEETH...

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School in which he provided the graduates a list of important facts they did not and will not learn in school.  He talked about how feel-good, politically correct education is creating generations of kids with no concept of reality. And he lamented how this kind of education sets them up for failure in the real world.

Real World Rules You Will Not Learn In School:

Rule 1:  Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2:  The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3:  You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4:  If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5:  Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6:  If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.  They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing (getting rid of lice) the
closet in your own room.

Rule 8:  Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT.  In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.  This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9:  Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10:  Television is NOT real life.  In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Black folks used to know that nothing of value is without cost.  Our parents used to tell us that we would have to work harder and better to get our share of the economic pie. This is still true.

We used to know that self esteem is based, and built, on accomplishment and earned respect, and that a job is an opportunity and not an entitlement.

Hard work and the pursuit of excellence are valuable efforts in and of themselves. The earlier we instill a work ethic in our children, the easier their lives will be-- no exceptions. You can do for your children out of love. But you really empower them, when you teach them to do for themselves...and for others. 

 

I INVITE YOUR COMMENTS-- How has a sense of entitlement impacted traditional notions of work ethic? What do you think?

How many times have you received a progress report and only then discovered that your child was struggling in a class? No forewarning from the teacher--no call , no email, no note- just a bad grade when its too late to effectuate any change.

How many times have you discovered after the term has already started that your child had been assigned to the "crazy" teacher because you didn't know you could submit a request before teacher assignments were made?

How many times have you stayed up much-too-late helping your child with a project that seemed too demanding for one-day's notice, only to find out after-the-fact that your child misunderstood the directions?

These kind of situations occur because you, the parent, are out of the information loop. The thought that you may be missing key information and insite about your child's academic progress should keep you up at night!  You are dangerously mistaken if you assume that all resources relevant to helping your child are going to be delivered to you in your child's take-home folder.  You must take steps to get yourself plugged in. And the first step must be to connect with your child's teacher.

Here is a simple truth: If you, as a parent, have not connected with your child's teacher, directly and personally, you are not optimizing your child's educational experience. I do not believe that there is an exception to this statement. In the present school environment, private or public, parents who are paying attention know that parental involvement is the key to getting want they want in the way of outcomes. These parents know that school resources are limited and that these limited resources are expended on those families who are aware of the resources and demand them. If you are not involved, that is, if you have not, at least, met and conferred with your child's teachers, your child is not receiving all of the help, information, opportunities or care that he or she could be getting. You may not even know what you and your child are missing.

Often, when African-American families join a private school community, they are so preoccupied with fighting the negative perceptions they feel the greater community has about them (and Blacks in general). We Black parents believe the other parents and teachers assume we need financial help and that our children are academically deficient. And even though the greater community often does harbor these assumptions, we Black parents need to understand two important realities. One, that more White families receive financial aid than Black at most predominantly White private schools; and two, nearly everyone else in the school is receiving some additional academic assistance. The financial aid assumption is a topic worthy of its own discussion---for another time.

I'd like to focus on the academic support topic here. It seems that every other community except the Black community recognizes that students cannot achieve in the current competitive academic environment without help. We Black parents send our bright kids to these private schools with the handicap of our we-can-make-it-on-our-own beliefs . We consider it a sign of weakness to seek and ask for help.  While we are busy trying to appear qualified, independent, worthy (and teaching our children to do the same) by functioning in silence and alone, the school's teachers and administrators are construing our actions (or inaction) as lack of concern on the parents' part and ambivalence on the students' part. Then once the teachers have concluded that we don't care enough to get help or advocate for our kids, they feel no obligation to communicate with or extend themselves to us. After all, they have a whole population of parents who are relentlessly hounding  them about their children's needs! Black parents must jump in there, and demand services for our children and information for ourselves. When we don't step in we perpetuate the very perceptions of inferiority that we want to avoid.

 

By taking the steps to meet the teacher in the first weeks of school, you send the message that you are a proactive and concerned parent; and that you want to stay on top of your child's progress. You have opened up the lines of communication to the teacher and let your child know that you are an active part of their school experience. It is a way to let teacher and child know that you are still in charge of your child's education.

Much has been said about the importance of the learning triangle- the idea that the most effective learning happens when there is a direct connection between each essential participant in the educational threesome- parent, child and teacher.  Even if you do little at home to support or contribute to the learning experience, you should at least keep close watch on what is happening at school. This is how problems are both solved early and avoided altogether.

Amazing things happen when you show up at school and introduce yourself to the teacher. When you let the teacher know that you are interested in optimizing your child's educational experience, the teacher feels he or she has an ally at home. The child feels he or she has an advocate. The teacher comes to know you and what you want from her. The child knows that the adults in charge of her academic future are talking and working together. You feel empowered because you have someone to call with questions and concerns.

Even in the worst scenario, where you and the teacher do not develop a friendly symbiotic relationship, the teacher knows that he has a watchful parent to deal with and thus, more care is taken with your child. In every case, the initiation and cultivation of the parent/teacher relationship is a win-win proposition.

How to establish a relationship with your child's teacher:

1. Meet with the teacher privately within the first two weeks of school. Even if you meet at Parent Night, make another appointment to meet with the teacher one-on-one.

2. Make sure you let the teacher know:

         a. You are interested in being involved. Let her know your situation and your limitations, so that the two of you can work out how you can best take part in the classroom or other school activities.

          b. That if a problem ever arises, you would like to know as soon as possible, whether it is academic or social. You want to be informed.

           c.To feel free to call you anytime and for any reason.

3. If you have concerns or your child has any learning or social issues, tell the teacher. (example: my child is young for his grade, so he is likely behind in some developmental ways. I tell the teacher because I want to give her a heads-up and let her know that I know he has maturity issues.)

3. Give the teacher all of the ways to contact you. And ask for all of her contact information. Ask which form of contact is best or preferable.

4. Thank the teacher for taking the time to get to know you.

By letting the teacher know that you want to be contacted, you are not implying that your child is a problem. You are simply clearing the way for communication. And communication is the key. In most cases, the positive response you receive by taking just these initial steps will astound you and put you on the right track to optimizing your child's school year.